Learning to Parent Yourself: Nurturing the Parts of You That Weren’t Loved

Self-Parenting: Learning to Give Yourself the Love You Deserve

Everyone’s relationship with their parents is different. Some parents are overbearing, while others are absent. Some are a shoulder to cry on, and others may rely emotionally on their own children. Parent-child relationships are rarely simple and almost always complicated. As children, we often look up to our parents as the ultimate guides in life. Yet, the reality is that many parents, like all people, are deeply flawed and sometimes unable to provide the love and care we need.

For me, the first half of my childhood was spent with two parents, and the second half with only one. The years with both were not easy, and many memories from that time are difficult. But adapting to life with one parent was equally challenging. My father was a part of my life for twelve years. He raised me, knew me, and (at least I thought) loved me. Yet, he still left and cut off all contact. That kind of abandonment is hard to understand, but I’ve learned that it wasn’t a reflection of me.

The truth is, whether you grew up with an absent, abusive, or emotionally immature parent, none of it was your fault. But now, as adults, it’s our responsibility to provide the love, care, and validation we may not have received growing up. This is where the concept of *self-parenting* comes in—learning to care for yourself in ways your parents may not have been able to. Here’s my advice for anyone who grew up with these kinds of parents:

For the Kid with an Absent Parent:

There is *nothing* wrong with you just because a parent left. People often make excuses for the inexcusable, but the reality is they left because they weren’t ready to embrace the joy and responsibility of loving you. They may have convinced themselves that leaving was the best choice for everyone, but that was their fear, not your fault.

Your parents, like you, are experiencing life for the first time. Things scare them as much as they scare you. Instead of focusing on their absence, focus on the people who stayed. Family isn’t just about blood—it’s about the relationships you’ve built along the way. And if you feel like you have no one, remember that you have *me*, and I’m rooting for you.

For the Kid with an Abusive Parent:

Growing up, many of us thought adults had life all figured out, so when we saw how flawed and imperfect our parents were, it felt like a betrayal. If you had an abusive parent, I want to say first and foremost: I’m sorry. I’ve experienced physical, verbal, and emotional abuse, and I know how deeply those wounds can cut. But please know that their abuse was *never* about you.

Your body, your mind, and your emotions are yours, and no one had the right to violate them. Healing from abuse is a journey, one that requires active effort and self-compassion. You deserve to feel safe in your own skin, and you are not defined by the trauma you’ve experienced. You have the strength to heal and grow beyond what happened to you.

For the Kid with an Emotionally Immature Parent:

It’s incredibly hard to grow up with a parent who never dealt with their own trauma and instead projected it onto you. When your parent relies on you to take on adult responsibilities or expects you to fulfill their emotional needs, it can steal away your childhood. You deserved the freedom to be a kid when you were one.

Remember, age doesn’t always equal emotional maturity. Many parents are still carrying unhealed wounds from their own childhoods, and they struggle to raise their kids in healthy ways. But that doesn’t mean you have to carry their burdens forever. You have the power to break the cycle and give yourself the love and care you’ve always deserved.

Reframing Your Relationship with Your Parents

One of the most powerful steps toward healing is changing the way you see your parents. It’s time to stop putting them on a pedestal. We often think of parents as the leaders and ourselves as the followers, expecting them to guide us through life. But what if we stopped seeing them as our guides and started seeing them as equals?

Imagine standing side-by-side with your parents, removing the pressure of expecting them to take care of you. You’ve already taken care of yourself in so many ways, and you should be proud of that. Seeing your parents as people, rather than just as parents, allows you to approach the relationship with more compassion. It may be scary at first, but it’s a step toward forgiveness and healing.

Stop expecting them to fulfill the role of what a “parent” is *supposed* to be. Instead, love yourself enough to take on that role for yourself. By releasing these expectations, you create space for whatever love they *are* capable of giving, even if it doesn’t match the ideal image of what you wanted from them.

You Are Enough

At the end of the day, you deserve all the love, care, and validation you’ve ever wanted—and you have the power to give that to yourself. Self-parenting is about acknowledging your worth, healing from the past, and providing yourself with the support you need to thrive.

No matter what kind of parent you had, you are not defined by their choices. You are defined by your ability to love, to grow, and to care for yourself. You are worthy of happiness, and you have everything you need within you to create the life you’ve always deserved. 

And remember, you are just as worthy as all the kids who grew up with healthy relationships with their parents. You are still capable of love, happiness, and appreciation. Never measure your worth against someone who grew up in a different situation, because we are all equal. You don’t choose the love you’re born into, but you do choose the love that you give.